i barfeds in our rink
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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