I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
