apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
