My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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