I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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