The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
