You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
