I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
