I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
