I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
