MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
