My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
