As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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