I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I am one with the molecules
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
