honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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