Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
