I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
she told me i tasted like america
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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