I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
home. puking in laundry basket.
my shit smells like andre
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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