so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am midnight drunk by noon
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
