took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
