Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
