just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
