I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
