That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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