I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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