the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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