at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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