I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
