The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
