I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
