I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
