I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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