At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
