It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
