Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize