An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
