I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize