peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
