Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
