this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
