I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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