thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
