I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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