I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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