If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize