1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
