It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
