I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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