Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
