Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
