i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
