he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
