i barfeds in our rink
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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