You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
