The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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