i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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