Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
