call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
