you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
