I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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