She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The ass gains better be worth it
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