Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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