I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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