u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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